Unconscious Misogyny – Part Part 2
My previous post – Unconscious Misogyny? – set me off on a few ‘blasts from my past’ – on the subject of – let’s call it ‘sexism’ for the purpose of this post – and, in fact, I truly believe that I have never disrespected woman from an early age )and that’s nothing to do with breast feeding!)
The fact is that, for as long as I can remember – I have preferred the company of woman, to that of men.
Maybe that’s normal for a heterosexual – but I’ve also had plenty of ‘lad’s nights’ out and, over the years have probably had as many male mates as female mates – I won’t even try to count.
but if I had the choice between two pub crawls – one a bunch of eight men and one eight woman – then it’s a no brainer – the ladies every time – almost irrespective of other factors, like age – though, i might draw the line at a hen party from the convent – you get the general point, I hope.
I think, it starts with early upbringing – I had a sister who was about 18 months younger than me – and we were brought up in a block of Council flats in the centre of Birkenhead (just post- war – red brick – four stories – no lifts) – and densely populated.
I got used to her school and local friends coming around – and they were generally about a year or so younger than me.
I, didn’t realise, at the time – but that was my grounding for future comfort in the company of woman – which I took into my – difficult? – teenage years.
Blast from The Past – I went to an all-boys secondary ( well – for this to make sense- it was a Grammar school, and once a year, the sixth form (16 to 18) had an evening event as a social mingle and dance – with the sixth form girls from Park High School for Girls – our educational equivalents i.e. 11+ passes – though some were entrance exam and fees – I found that I could pick the posh fee payers out in a crowd – and, to my surprise, found most of them – well ‘normal’.
Not only did many of my school mates find the whole thing a trial – asking a girl to dance – took twenty minutes hyper-ventilation – but actually – the girls were the same – and I found that if I was relaxed and just me – it wasn’t a problem.
Just had to avoid the scouser cliché –
‘You dancing? ‘You asking?’ ‘I’m Asking.’. ‘I’m Dancing.’
And – most of the posh girls were – O.K. really.
Years later – I realised that, some of them, of them might have thought that we were just ‘bits of rough’
But that can work as well – not then, of course – but later in life.
I’ll admit – the reminiscing has now got out of hand – we started with – ‘I Think I am the opposite of a sexist’ – but I appreciate you may now, not agree!
Actually – the original -‘stream of conscience that led to this post produced an early, what I call – ‘ punchline’ – which is an actual episode in my adult life in which – I was accused of being a ‘sexist misogynist’ – I thought, there was no need for the double emphasis- and the preamble is part of my therapy – in leading up to addressing the allegation.
If you are still here – I hope that I am taking you along, for the ride,
Am I actually a sexist – misogynist or is it a feminist conspiracy?
It was in the early days of my FE lecturer career – I would guess it was maybe 5 /8 years in and I was, then about 32 and getting to grips with the job.
New Academic year
First term of the new academic year’s study and a new student intake. – Monday evening class – 6 – 9 p.m. – – a class which they will do two evenings a week – Mon & Tues. – in the first year of a two-year course – and, if they survive the four first-year exams will go on to another four exams for the second year Diploma – hopefully.
Good numbers – about 16 in the first class. First couple of hours are mostly admin. – and intro.
Pads of paper going around –full names, employers and contact numbers – in the early days we had handwritten attendance registers – about a year after I left, they went over to automatic central records based on student swipe cards.
No lecturing on the first night – an introduction to the timetable – even the times of the breaks – and any questions – no dipping into the syllabus ‘til next time – so – I planned – just a welcoming chat – mostly addressing their concerns,
I get the name pads back – note that we have a group of eight students from the same company – then called ‘British Aerospace’ a major local company, at the time the largest exporters from the UK – regular supporter of the course – the other candidates were more diverse – but I still recognised a good number of companies as regular supporters.
My aim is to just address their questions/issues – have a chat about whatever they want to – and make them welcome and comfortable.
At some point I look at the employer list – and say – ‘it’s nice to see another group from BAE -always good supporters of the course – looked up at the group -sat together of course – and saw – they were mostly female – maybe 6 – 2 – and just threw in – off the cuff – no thought –
“Well you’re better looking than last year’s bunch”.
Trying to be welcoming – but- in retrospective – a mistake??
I’m still not sure.
Must have been, two years later –
You may have read the ‘EU Trip’ posts – a 5 – 7-day educational tour of the institutions of what became, the European Union.
One trip – after dinner first night – on a North Sea Ferry – I am sat in the main bar – a surprise, I know – with my co-organiser Bill and most of the students.
As it happens – I was sat next to one of the girls from that class.
After a few drinks – she says – ‘You know that first class – it was quiet a sexist comment you made’ – I genuinely didn’t know what she meant – and asked, ‘What comment’?
You know what it was – I said, ‘It was just an ‘off the cuff’ remark, just to lighten the atmosphere’.
Of course – she said – ‘Would you have said it to a group of men?’
I had to admit – that I would not have done.
She said – ‘So you are sexist and a misogynist’.
As I said earlier – two barrels were not necessary -without that – I would have, genuinely replied –‘Yes, you are quite right -and I will take it as a lesson and try to consider my language more carefully, in the future – I’m sorry.’
But – I was a little annoyed – that the first face to face conversation I had with her – she chose to throw that in first – and just ‘sexist’ would have done.
I suppose that I was also, a little bothered about a lack of respect and understanding – of an incident just a few minutes into a stressful induction of a new group that I would be working with for the next two years – and which obviously lurked with her and, first opportunity – threw it back at me – and at another stressful time – first night of a seven-day trip where I was responsible for getting 33 students around five European venues and back home safely.
So – I didn’t say – ‘I’m sorry’.
I said –
“The irony is that, you actually weren’t better looking than the last year’s bunch.”
and went off to the bar.
P. S.
Before I get the hate mail – That last quote never happened – I did say – Sorry’ and that I would learn from it.’
One of the joys of writing about real past events – is that you can address the – ‘what I should have said is …’ it’s never too late –
It’s called ‘artistic license’ – and means that I can rewrite history!
Finally –
The title question of this and the last post –
Unconscious Misogyny? –
I believe that one can be unconsciously ‘sexist’-
but –
Misogyny can never be unconscious.