CHINA RELOADED

Chapter 3

Third Day

Didn’t get any alarm call – looks like you either get two or none at all – and I hadn’t set my own alarm (I just forgot – OK – I blame Chinese wine)

Woken up by the cleaner coming in at exactly 08.28 – supposed to be setting up my laptop and projector for Amy’s presentation for all the Consulate staff plus visitors – starting at 09.00!

Lying in bed at 08.28 – stood at the Consulate door at 08.56 (and that is the 22^th floor of a building about 80 metres down the road) – no idea how I got there

(although I was wearing the obligatory shorts, polo and beach bum shoes and had spent no time in the bathroom)

Get in and set up – only problem was the sweat dripping on the laptop – thankfully the audience didn’t arrive on time – she starts at 09.15, everything set.

My delegates for the morning sitting in on the presentation, so time to get back to the hotel – shower, shave and shampoo – aftershave, deodorant, more aftershave and best suit, shirt and tie. I looked stunning.

When I walk back into the Consulate, I get a standing ovation, various offers of marriage and signed some autographs!

Some of the Beijing people from day one and two are doing a session with a local English teacher because they have an English for Business exam to do. I said during the planning of the workshop that I can speak English, but I can’t teach it.

See him leave at lunch and he is American – wonder what the hell he is doing teaching English!

I am doing an all-day session with Doug, Barry and Sandy from Shanghai and Rainbow from Chongqing – a long day – through to18.00 when they have to go for their flight – everybody happy. I am absolutely knackered.

Last Night

Slow walk back to the hotel – smart clothes off and a lie on the bed for an hour. Don’t even go to dinner via the bar – they will miss me.

Dinner – all ambition gone – had steak and chips off the a la carte – and a beer!

More Americans – seemed to be an older bunch – the ones that try to talk with what they think is an English accent. I keep my head down – I have experienced, more than once, the American need to approach people who are on their own and invite you to join their group. I know they mean well, but I would rather stick with my own company.

I realise that the reason they talk so loudly is so you can hear them above their clothes.

Back to room – packed to go home tomorrow.  Watched some Chinese television – no I don’t know why either.  Set my own alarm.

Going Home

Thursday 3 June

Check out of the hotel – been hyperventilating in the room for half an hour in preparation for the ritual argument. No problems at all – bill only covers extras (rest to be invoiced to the Consulate) and looks about right (although I had forgotten about the Margarita I had had in a weak moment when I had long trousers and went into the cocktail bar) – no argument – bit of a disappointment really.

Last session 09.00 – 12.00 with just Tim from Shanghai – one to one and plenty of questions, thankfully.

It had been no surprise to me, that in the groups, the UK nationals asked a lot more questions than did the Chinese locally engaged staff – because, for them, it would be seen as a weakness.

A slight cultural aside – that reminds me of a course I delivered in Egypt, in English, six times over about three months–a three-day seminar ending with a final online multi-choice examination.

In designing the course, we were recommended to seek the advice of a Brit who had lived locally in, Cairo, for a number of years, and taught in the local English school.

We asked her to comment on the wording of the English multi-choice questions for Arab speakers, with English as a second language

Her only comment was not related to the wording of the questions but only the multi choice options:

We had – as standard in the UK – options for the right answer of four as a tick box – a, a, b. c, d. with a fifth option – ‘Don’t Know’  on the grounds that we would rather they pick that  than have a wild guess and distort the assessment statistics by pure luck.

She was clear that a ‘Don’t Know’ option, which worked well in the UK, was irrelevant because the delegates – all Arab males – would never choose it.

We complied, of course.

Complex thing – culture!

So, completed session with Tim and leaving at 12.30 for the airport.

Journey Home

Flight back is Chongqing to Hong Kong 2 hours – 5-hour stopover – 9 hours to Dubai with a landing and take-off in Bangkok – 3-hour stopover – 8 hours to Manchester. Leaving 15.00 Thursday – arriving UK 12.30 Friday which will feel like 19.30 Chinese time.

Most of it with Emirates – so expecting a comfortable – if long – trip and getting home – absolutely knackered – far more than if the whole thing had gone as planned – but job done and the students all happy -time to chill out.

Leave Consulate at about 12.30 – profuse goodbyes, promises to write etc. – left them some boxes of chocolate Euros – picked up at some point in a duty – free. they seemed very pleased.

Consulate driver – lovely elderly chap overtly helpful but (you know it’s coming) no English.  Pick up bag at hotel – off to airport.

Connoisseurs of the first report will recall the frightening standard of driving in Guangzhou – Chongqing was worse!  i.e. no rules at all, can’t even tell what side of the road they drive on and the whole system based on the principal of the game of chicken – if you hesitated you would never move – weaving is compulsory and pretending you haven’t seen any other cars essential to the process.

Even the pedestrians seem to operate on the basis that if you just step out into the road and are obviously not looking at what is coming then it will miss you. For a pedestrian to catch a driver’s eye is tantamount to admitting defeat and living on one side of the road for the rest of your life.

Add to this the fact that the Consulate driver seems to have defective eyesight – is constantly looking back to make sure I am comfortable and seems to think that the Union Jack on the 4-wheel drive (Shogun or Ninja or whatever) gives him right of way at every opportunity. I just sit in the back looking anywhere but forward.

Chongqing Airport

Somehow, we get to Chongqing airport in one piece. He drives right past the Departures entrance, around the corner to a side door and carries my bag into a waiting lounge with about 5 elderly Chinese who look like they live there – no shops or bars and an airport tax counter which is closed. (No problem – I have 50 Yuan for the tax – I am not daft twice!)

Throws me a bit – but he appears to indicate that I should sit and wait. My guess is that a flight to Hong Kong is still handled as international – so has a separate departure lounge (proved correct later – when I actually get through to international departures)

Waiting in the very sparse room – check out the sign on the closed airport tax counter – seems to be standard that this is also in English – ‘Airport Tax 90 Yuan’. I have saved 50 for tax and about 20 for emergencies i.e. 70 Yuan!!!

I am not making this up – I have 70 Yuan and the flipping tax is 90 – nobody told me they could be different. Frantic hand signals to driver – eventually – after emptying my whole wallet on the floor in front of him – he realises that I don’t have enough cash and need a – here we go again – find an ATM.

For those of you who think that I contributed to my own emergencies –  then I would not argue – but simply ask you to consider how you would have done with no bag for almost 72 hours of a 96 hour visit and a stressful working environment  and virtually no intelligible information and a burgeoning perception that China is SO different.

Back to the 4-wheeler – round and into the main departure lounge – must be one there – biggish lounge – couple of bars plenty of check–ins etc. Obviously, an airport – nothing like a shopping centre.  Usual 4 or 5 desks with the driver animatedly asking for advice – eventually seem to have a result – seems there is no ATM in the airport!

Back in the car – he has long conversation on his mobile with – I assume – the Consulate staff. We set off out of the airport into the nearest town. Cruising the streets – I realise that we are trying to find a cash machine for me to get another 20+ Yuan for the tax.

Cruising around the streets – few banks but most seem to be closed (now about 13.30 Friday) eventually see a street side machine – he does a U-turn without looking to the sound of screeching brakes – all other peoples. Another result – get 200 Yuan (just to be on the safe side)

Back to the airport, back to the side door – no discernible difference apart from the fact that there a lot more people there now – just about all Chinese except for an elderly English looking chap with a young Chinese girl – again another common sight in China which bothers me a bit.  Tax counter still closed – but the driver seems to indicate that it will open soon. Have to fill in an exit form.

Hang around a while – I am now sufficiently confident that the driver can buzz off back to work. No – he will wait for the airport tax – he has already counted out the notes from my wallet (90 Yuan and kept them. I think he is worried that I might spend it on something else or lose it. He pays when the counter opens and gives me the voucher. I am very grateful and signal that he can now push off – and he does.

Rest is following my nose – through a door when it is unlocked by an armed guard –  first desk – hand in the exit form – through security x ray – no problem – except the group of very old Chinese people who were camped out when I arrived were in front of everybody (to make sure they got a seat I suppose) – been there since 4 in the morning I think – one of the old girls seemed to think that she had to go through the x ray machine – luckily she was stopped before she was able to climb on.

Check in – apparently, they can get the luggage to Dubai but no further – I don’t believe a word, but I am resigned to never seeing it again anyway – and I don’t care.

Happy to wait for the First-Class lounge invitation this time.  Through check-in – fill   Another   exit form to be handed in at another desk approximately 3 metres further on – up the escalator and into the departure lounge – I’m like a native now but its solely based on the fact that there was nowhere else to go.

First Class / VIP lounge – turns out be a very hot room with a toilet opening straight on to a reception desk  (the attendant was actually in the toilet when I arrived) she steps out – adjusting her dress and introduces me to the facilities i.e. a small fridge with – bottles of water, Fanta and cold tea  – nothing remotely of interest – get a bottle of water and a comfy seat and investigate the magazines – all Chinese.

Just happy to relax – contemplate a job well done, despite the obstacles– post-course delegate appraisals all positive.  – and composing my letter of complaint to Air France.

Plane looking late – another 3 western types have arrived – seeming to want to have a chat – particularly a Scottish chap who looks like he has had the same buffet meal I had but not recovered anywhere near as well.

Now I know I could be more sociable – but – well mostly I just can’t be arsed. I am happy with my own company – what’s their problem. The other two talk to him for a while – I hear that he works for a beer brewing company in Edinburgh and immediately regret my lack of politeness.

Eventually the receptionist comes in 15 minutes after scheduled time  -‘time to board’ Leads us off in single file – felt like I was back in the Scouts again – out into the departure lounge now with the usual fighting mob at the gate – she steers a course around the edge of the room – a flanking manoeuvre I guess – and homes in on the front of the queue pushing a few elderly Chinese to one side and we pass through – onto a bus where we wait for all the rest to get on the same bus.

Take off only about half hour late. In-flight meal – frog sphincters in sump oil and pre-chewed noodles.

Hong Kong

Into Hong Kong – with five hours to waste. Decide to do some shopping – transit hall is very disappointing – one biggish duty free and a couple of small shops – that’s it.  Mooch around for a while and decide I might as well sit in the Emirates lounge – go through to boarding gates upstairs – walk into a shopping mall that makes the Manchester Trafford Centre look like a street market. You name a name it was there – including plenty I had never heard of. Had a bit of a look but it all seemed very expensive.

Chilled out in the business lounge – a bit of an improvement on Chongqing.

Stayed sensible at the help yourself bar, even had a coffee, and picked up emails and had a bit of a surf.

Eventually onto Emirates flight to Dubai – 22.25 local time – big business class section – about 50 seats but only about 8 passengers – surely, they should space us out – but easier for the crew to cram us in for their convenience.

am next to a chap who turns out to be part of the Yemeni delegation to Beijing.  That’s all I found out about him – I don’t talk to fellow passengers unless I have to (I wear headphones on trains without any music playing just to warn people off).

I’m not anti -social – I don’t think.   I just assume that the chances of me randomly coming across someone interesting – is very remote.

We will land and pick up in Bangkok – and then we will be full.  I’m thinking that will take half an hour and minimum disruption – you guessed it – no chance. I am just having my first kip on a plane for the whole trip, following a couple of medicinal  brandies  and we touch down about 1.30 a.m. to total mayhem.

Seems it’s a full crew change as well as passengers on and off – most of the new crew boarded at Hong Kong and are getting changed – everybody stopping on has to identify their hand luggage – cleaners come on and hoover around you – one passenger got off and shouldn’t have done – so they have to find him and bring him back – absolutely bedlam – I didn’t sleep again – and the films were crap.

Plane now packed – mostly with people who looked like they had attended the ‘Atkins Diet Doesn’t Work’ convention, thought that the seats reclined flat if you pushed them back hard enough and had a constant need to clear their throat and break wind. Trying to have a snack with the back of someone’s head on your lap is tricky – God knows what it was like in economy.

Dubai

Eventually arrive in Dubai 04.30 local – transit desk to get my luggage – he says no need we can check it through to Manchester – I don’t argue because I don’t care – but I will show my bum  in Harrods’ window if it actually gets there.

Dubai – 3 hours transit. Hong Kong airport was impressive but Dubai is better – starry ceilings – live palm trees – even had a mosque – and good shops (and that’s an expression I don’t think I have ever used in my life before)

Actually, bought a new laptop – I guess about £400 cheaper than in the UK. Emirates lounge very impressive – they have a hot breakfast buffet going 24 hours a day – well it impressed me anyway.

Flight on time and much more comfortable – you can’t beat an Airbus – but another 8 hours is starting to drag a bit and the films were still crap – I actually watched Scooby Doo the movie – I rest my case!

Finally, into Manchester bang on time – my suitcase appears almost straight away – Emirates car ready and waiting and I am home in half an hour.

I am just off to ring Harrods.