Chapter 2
Check-in Harbour Plaza Hotel 1
Check-in Harbour Plaza Hotel
Big air-conditioned foyer, bar on the right with smiling waitresses, concierge salutes, up to reception and present my passport – few taps on the keyboard and she says, ‘you have no reservation’! (honest- you can’t make it up).
Half hour debate, involving 5 people at one stage (including another guest who apparently joined in) all frowning and hitting keyboard keys in a random sort of way. I’m saying ‘your flippin car just picked me up, I must have a reservation’. In that peculiarly Chinese way, they are all nodding away saying ‘Yes – you have no room’.
By now I am writing down on a sheet of paper in capital letters ‘British Consulate’ – it’s almost next door for Christ’s sake – and looking for the written invitation – and waving a credit card at them saying ‘just give me a room – I don’t care who’s paying’.
Eventually, a young woman in uniform suddenly appears, goes straight to a box at the back, picks out and gives me a welcome envelope with my name on it – tap tap swish and I have got a room key – could have kissed her.
Turns out, from the envelope, that I was a VIP guest – a novel way to treat one, you may think. Though, I do accept that, in my guise as a beach bum, and no baggage – I didn’t look like a VIP – but they never looked – that’s discrimination, that is!
Into a very adequate room, 28th floor with a view of the harbour – well, would be, if it wasn’t for the smog.
Try to convince myself that not having to unpack is an advantage.
Now 14.30 – been travelling for about 24 hours. Had a kip.
Evening meal – another problem – can I get in the restaurant wearing shorts?
Communication problems of course – I am realising that in Shanghai or Beijing most people in the big hotels and shops manage a bit of English – not in Chongqing.
Fair enough – there are not many locals in Bury who speak Chinese.
I ask the girl at the restaurant desk ‘can I come in like this’ vaguely pointing at my bare legs – blank look – try waving the legs of the shorts around a bit – worried look – try pulling the legs up and down a bit – very worried look. I just walk in – she seems relieved that all I apparently wanted to do was get something to eat – no problem.
A la carte or international buffet dinner. Went for the buffet and played safe – I might experiment later in the week – for now if it was moving, I didn’t try it.
Early night – put in an alarm call (travel alarm in my case!).
First Day of Course
Monday 31 May
Get two alarm calls – one ten minutes after the other?
Skip Breakfast – not unusual for me – I prefer another half hour in bed. I know that many say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day – but I had managed OK for the last thirty something years.
I do carry Multigrain breakfast biscuits – and have some with a coffee in the room sometimes – but the biscuits are – you’ve guessed it – in my case.
Off to work at the British Consulate – in short sleeved polo shirt, shorts and beach bum slip ons – even looked a bit out of place on the street.
I had tried steaming everything in the shower room last night, so not totally creased, and not sticky at all. I did have a small filled toilet bag in my hand luggage (I am not entirely insane) so showered, shampooed, shaved, and teeth brushed at least.
slight consternation at my appearance at first. But when I explained everybody very nice and sympathetic –Consul General gets the office manager, Grace, on the job trying to track it. I had my laptop with the PowerPoint show, and they have a projector and I had e-mailed all the delegate notes for them to reproduce – so I can still deliver – albeit that I don’t quite look the part.
The Consul actually thanked me for turning up despite the obstacles – never crossed my mind, not to!
Grace – does a great job chasing my bag – eventually turns out it went straight from Paris to Jakarta where it now is! Things are just getting sillier.
I later find out (and got the physical evidence) that the correct labelling from Manchester to CKG Canton (i.e. Guangzhou) was changed in Paris to CGK Jakarta – Air France!!! I think they do it to English passengers just for a laugh. They will pay for this.
No flights from Jakarta to China until Wednesday morning – I go back home Thursday lunch.
The Course Begins
First day is eight women from Chongqing and Beijing –all locally engaged (L.E.s) i.e. Chinese citizens, who mostly regard working in western embassies and Consulates as prestigious positions. They giggle a lot for reasons I was never quite sure about but suspected that my bare legs had something to do with it.
Morning went fine – nice bunch and all with good English.
Went shopping Monday lunch time – Pacific department store down the street – men’s clothes 4 and 5 floor I was told. Usual problem – not a hint of English. Had to just pick things off rails and sort of hold them against me looking for any positive response – passing shoppers shaking their heads and laughing. Reminded that being stared at, particularly by older people, is not unusual – and I don’t think that is just to do with the legs. Luckily managed to try on a shirt before I bought it and realised that I was probably in the Chinese equivalent of Mothercare – couldn’t get my head through the hole. In Chinese sizes I am about XXXXL.
Eventually got a shirt that fitted and underpants (and the hand signals for what size knickers I wanted could have got me arrested) No time for trousers – have to get back to work.
PM session – good progress and less giggles.
Monday evening – tried again in the shop. Long trousers would have been a bonus – forget it – inside leg just does not translate in any meaningful way – and trying things on at random just, not recommended. Did get another pair of shorts, more presentable than the ones I had had on for 3 days.
Put original clothes into the hotel laundry and a breakfast order on the room door – I’ll give it a go – but only risked the continental.
Couple of small beers in the bar watching the passing trade – know I can deliver the rest of the course (albeit without some of sample materials) – and starting to relax a bit.
Dinner – think she notices the change in shorts and top but still looks a bit worried. The buffet is actually very good – smoked fish, king prawns, lamb chops, beef wellington, loads of salads etc. and, of course, a wide variety of things that do not resemble food in any way at all. I played it safe for now – I’ve got three more days work to do.
Ordered some wine … actually got a half bottle of French wine at a not exorbitant price – luxury.
Next table to me – obese American couple whose weight in stones seemed to match their age i.e. about 35 each – with a Chinese child of maybe 6 months. Remembered that this is a common sight in China. I was reliably informed that this is done through official adoption agencies with strict criteria – and I guess the child will have a better life but – it just bothers me a bit.
I can also vouch for the fact that the obesity of the couple did not originate in any glandular malfunction – I have never seen anybody pile a buffet plate as high as they did. My guess is that they are adopting because they can’t actually get close enough to each other to have sex.
Finished the half bottle wine – had an early night – must be jetlag.
Second Day
Tuesday 1 June
Got the two alarm calls again – did not get breakfast. Check the door – order is still hanging there – this is supposed to be a 5-star hotel.
Went to reception on the way out to work and said very slowly – ‘I did not get my breakfast’ whilst waving the uncollected order card. She nods, smiles – of course – picks up the phone and starts ringing somebody. I think she might think that I still want breakfast and is having it brought to reception for me. I am trying to sign ‘I don’t want it now, it’s too late, I have to go to work’ – she nods away and carries on remonstrating with someone on the phone. By now I must have looked like a tic-tac man at the races – tried waving both arms horizontally across each other – finally tried drawing my index finger across my throat – which was, I admit, – in retrospect – a little ill-advised – but she did put the phone down. I did a runner before her brothers arrived.
Into work with new knickers, shorts and shirt – round of applause from the delegates. They will be apoplectic when (if) they see the suit and tie.
– I am becoming aware that the Chinese (maybe the younger ones} have a good sense of humour. It could also be, that the LE staff have been educated in the UK – and it has rubbed off.
Getting to know their names – often anglicised first names – so I have two Janes, a Lily, Joan, Anita, Amy, Helen and Ena (last ones mother obviously a fan of Coronation Street) Later in the week had a girl called Sandy ( as a delegate on the course!) and, my favourite – Rainbow.
Two of them have a birthday that day – so we all get a slice of cake – very civilised. Hard day’s work – jet lag actually exists – but workshop going well and get through it with a happy group.
Amy from Beijing is to do a half hour presentation at 09.00 tomorrow morning for all the staff – on a new online trade information procedure – say I will load the PowerPoint on to my laptop from her CD and set it up for her in the morning.
Part way through the afternoon – Grace has good news – somehow my case is apparently due to arrive in Chongqing airport at 17.00 today – how it got from Jakarta with no flights I did not question – whilst at the same time trying not to get my hopes up.
Rescue My Suitcase
End of day I am assured it will be there – taxi sorted by Grace – ride out to airport. Taxi driver (known to the consulate and obviously given strict instructions by Grace –but of course no English) comes in with me. Inside arrivals hall – sign above a door (in English as well) Luggage Enquiries – knock knock – door locked. Banging away – no reaction. Taxi driver a star – goes off around the airport talking to anybody who will listen – everybody nodding of course but he keeps moving on to someone else – looked to have chatted to a few arriving passengers as well.
Eventually a security type person must say something sensible – I am dragged off through a security gate – under a barrier – through some gates – and into a room which looks like a left luggage office – and my case is there!
I know it’s pathetic but a leaned over and patted it like a pet dog.
Nothing so simple as collecting it and out – another 20 minutes of pointless paper shuffling – I am on the verge of just grabbing it and making a break for it – hoping that the taxi driver would cover my back – then I sign the original piece of paper I gave them in the first place and I’m out.
Nice ride back to the hotel – sat next to my case on the back seat with my arm around it.
Back to hotel – bell boy seems extremely happy that I now have a case for him to take to my room – must have been worrying him.
Back in In my room, is a small bowl of fruit with a ‘with compliments’ card – written on by hand it says (word for word and I have it in front of me right now)
‘Mr Jim,
Today we did not pick up your doorknob menu, it’s our fault, the fresh fruit is for our apologize, thank you.
Private Dining Manager
Billy’
Feel like a bastard for complaining now – but at least it looks like Billy didn’t commit hara-kiri. I didn’t order breakfast in the room again – getting it wrong again could have finished him off.
Have to unpack now – bugger.
Actually, a lot of it stayed in the case – but have now got my clothes, notes, sample documents, projector, textbooks and breakfast bars.
I do remember to set up Amy’s presentation on my laptop for tomorrow.
My laundry is returned – polo shirt on a hanger, the underpants folded in an origami pattern of a swan in the middle of a lined wicker basket about three-foot square – bill says 26 Yuan i.e. £1.70
Couple of beers in the bar – they recognise me now – I get the dishes of pretzels, nuts and everything – well almost everything.
Dinner – it has of course occurred to me to venture out of the hotel to explore – and I almost always do wherever I am. However – I am not even confident that I could identify a place correctly as a restaurant (unless its MacDonald’s or KFC of course) I can see myself sat at a table trying to order a meal in a laundrette or an estate agents – and even if I guessed right on the basis of other people eating – all the menus will be in Chinese – and China is most definitely not the place to take a random leap and point at a couple of things on the menu.
So, it’s the hotel again Getting cocky with the wine so do what I did before – point at a white wine (picked a Chinese one – what the hell – I’ve got fresh underwear) and signal a half bottle size. Get a full bottle of red wine – try to say no it should be white and half size – get a full bottle of white wine. I cut my losses and keep it – I don’t have to drink it all – do I?
I eventually drink it all – taking my time, of course. My only defence is that, for the first time in the whole trip – I am now back in charge and relaxed – and will complete the course as it’s meant to be. However, I still had the sense, not to experiment with the buffet again.
Went to bed cuddling my case.