This Month’s Story
My Fat Mate
My Fat Mate
My, almost, life-long mate, Billy – we met on our first day in school – known then as ‘primary’ school – covering the first class – age 5 to 11 education – before going on to –‘secondary’ school from 11 to either 15, if you left after O‘Levels or 18, following ‘A’ levels.
First day was early September 1955 – things have changed a bit since then, of course.
First day at school – always traumatic – but we – sort of – gravitated towards each other – I remember he had a Kit -Kat and gave me a piece. He was a chubby lad then but, naturally, funny – and made me laugh – I was a skinny four stone, soaking wet.
Sat together in the first class – and eventually ended up,co-incidentaly. in the same Grammar school at 11 years old – having both passed the then 11 Plus and got a scholarship entry.
We essentially grew up together – studied together – prepared for exams together – discovered girls etc. etc.
As he just got fatter!
In his early years he liked his food – particularly chocolate – which was replaced by beer a bit later in life-
we stayed in touch and he remained a popular, funny lad – a real comic.
We were separated when we moved on, at 18. to different FE college/university – me in Preston and him in Leeds – but again kept in touch – by telephone and letter at the beginning – as we pursued qualifications and then working careers – and an occasional meet up at each other’s place or somewhere central – for a night out.
He remained fat / fatter – he tried to lose weight – but really up and down. But always good company and always – in his territory – a big group of friends – both male and female – but can’t ever remember a meeting with a girlfriend – though he always seemed to be having a good time.
We both ended up with good jobs – me in export management and then F.E, – and him in I.T. and as we got into our early 20s the luxury of mobile phones in the early 70s – texts and emails – made staying in touch much easier.
We both travelled around the U.K. in our work and met up wherever convenient for stop overs and even holiday weekends.
I was married in 1973 and my wife liked him as well – so no problems with him staying with us – or me meeting up with him, now and again.
He continued, with no shortage of mates – of both sexes. – but never a special one.
So, one weekend meet-up – with the encouragement of my wife, as a left home – and after his third pint in the first hour in a bar – I broached the subject – his weight.
He was quite open about it – accepted that it was his biggest – and, in fact only, problem, and actually revealed that he had tried any number of diets – lost weight, initially – with most of them but – then weakened – particularly with his beer and put it all back on.
He also was – as he put it – ‘allergic to exercise’. – then admitting he just – ‘stood out – ‘like a sore thumb’ in a gym and looked ridiculous jogging – though he had tried it – ‘a bit’.
I was also, amazed to hear that he had once, gone to a private consultant and had a gastric band fitted – which he subsequently burst.
It was quite a relief to hear that he recognised the problem and was still keen to do something about it.
We agreed that we should use our combined expertise to seek out alternative / emerging solutions.
That was influenced by the fact that I had , just a few months previously, been involved in an academic study – focused on the potential market for what was often referred to as ‘The Slimming Pill’ – and the fact that the pharmaceutical industry over the globe had identified it as the ‘Holy a Grail’ of medicines and had been investing billions in research – which it was certain would be paid back – with a few more zeros – if an effective and easy to use – weight loss product could be produced.
It probably won’t surprise you to hear that a significant percentage of such research funding, originates in North America – major developed countries with huge problems of child and adult obesity.
Given Billy’s I.T. background and his own experience in online research and access to worldwide sources of information – he maybe now, had a more productive focus.
About four weeks later, I get an email from him, saying that he had identified a Canadian pharmaceutical company who appeared to be very close to the final solution and had, in fact, already conducted clinical tests in Canada, which were claimed as ‘promising’ – and had recently expanded those tests into western Europe.
More research revealed a name and Harley Street address in London of the consultant conducting the clinical market testing in the UK- and he had a personal appointment in booked in a week’s time – and would keep me updated.
Now – that sounded like real progress.
Two weeks later – I get the report:
Train down to London – checked into a hotel close to Harley Street and on time for his early p.m. appointment.
Previous information had made it clear that, the initial consultation would take an hour – fee £75 – and would end with a decision as to whether he was accepted on the trial – or not – he had already suppled the required personal information – which meant that actually getting a consultation was a good start.
If accepted – there would be no further fees for treatment or consultation, but he would have to sign waivers absolving the consultant and company of any liabilities for the results of the clinical test.
Consultant very welcoming and professional- had a file already prepared and checks if any information has changed – more detail sought on previous weight loss attempts followed by verification of his current weight, height, blood pressure etc. and Billy is then told that he has been accepted on to the trial –
Followed by an explanation of the treatment – just one injection, which has the effect of causing fat cells to break down into, what was – in effect salty water – and be expelled by the body, like sweat,
This would mean that, after administration – the patient had 24 hours to return home and would need to spend the next 5-7 days naked, in a bath or shower cubicle to allow the moisture to drain.
Free to eat and drink – but no alcohol – and free to bathe or shower if uncomfortable.
Admitting that this might appear a little drastic – the consultant added that clinical tests so far had averaged a weight loss of 10 lbs. per day (ranging from 7 to 14 lbs. (a UK – stone) and that no obvious clinical deficits had been observed and that most candidates had found that there consumption of certain products – that had mainly contributed to their original weight gain – making a point with Billy – like – ‘Beer’ – had reduced with no direct effort i.e. they maintained the weight loss.
Billy – signed up.
Given an appointment for the next day at 10 a.m. – half an hour for the injection and told to arrange a journey home to get there, at the latest, tomorrow evening.
All sorted for the next day – checked out of the hotel – injection, no problem – told that the consultant will contact him in seven days’ time – to arrange a final, free, consultation to complete the test, assess the results and discuss any issues or problems.
Seat booked and train on time and he is home for tea.
Time to plan – heating on in the bathroom, radio and mobile to hand, two towelling robes to get about (if possible) and some padding to make the bath a more comfortable bed.
Fridge-Freezer already fully stocked.
He had luckily booked two of his annual holiday weeks, so, work sorted. Rang two local mates to update them – both offered to pick up and deliver anything he wanted.
I spoke to him soon after and, while he wasn’t sure exactly what was coming – he seemed up for it – particularly when I suggested this could be life changing for him – as long as he avoided beer until it had done it’s business.
Another conversation was after the treatment really started and he was mostly sat naked in the bath in two or three inches of salty water that was leaking out of his body.
That seemed to relent slowly after 6 or 7 days and he was able to get out of the bath with a bath robe on and even have a sit in the lounge for a while – sometimes, even receiving visitors
Not long after that – he rings me to say the consultant had rang him to get an update – had seemed quite happy with progress, and suggested leaving it for a week to ten days – see what Billy felt like about travelling, and then arrange a final consultation.
It was two weeks later, with Billy feeling quite normal and telling me that he knew he had lost weight and felt more mobile – what he didn’t know was how much weight he had lost because he didn’t have a weighing machine – in fact had never had one!
He had a final consultation in London set for the wednesday of the following week.
I received his email report of that visit, soon after:
No problem travelling down – he was appreciating just moving around more easily.
Same hotel and over to Harley Street in good time.
Consultant happy to see him – maybe because he had survived the treatment!
First – the ‘weigh-in’ – I actually didn’t know what his starting weight had been -and as he chose not to tell me, I thought it rude to ask.
Turn’s out – he started at 246 lbs. (17.5 British stones)
And now finished at – 186 lbs. (13.25 British Stones).
A loss of 60 lbs.
and all without any exercise.
So a success.
Final question from the consultant – ‘So – any problems or issues, that you want to raise with me?’
Billy – ‘Just the one problem – the weight has dropped off so quickly that it’s left my skin in folds all over my body – it looks horrible.’
Onsultant – ‘Ah yes, we are aware of this -and do have a possible solution. Would you be able to come back for another session tomorrow?
Billy – ‘I think so – I would need to check with my hotel – I checked out this morning – but I have no commitments tomorrow,’
Quick check with the hotel – no problem – same room available.
Consultant – ‘Also – could you obtain, before you return here – a meat skewer and a bowler hat , in your size – and bring them with you tomorrow?’
Very strange – but he went along with it.
With the help of the hotel staff – he was directed to a small shopping mall, where he actually found the two items.
Following day – he is back with the consultant for 10.30 a.m. – provides the articles, as requested.
No messing around – consultants tells him to take all his clothes off – and when Billy is naked – with all his loose skin folds – gets down on his knees and starts at Billy’s ankles and gradually works his way up his body – pulling all the loose skin up as he goes.
Quite an effort – but he eventually reaches the top of Billy’s head with quite some handfulls of unwanted skin – – twists them all together into a tight bun – puts the skewer right through the bun to stop it unravelling and puts the bowler hat over it to cover it all up – stands back and says – ‘There you go – what do you think?’
Gestures at a full length mirror and Billy goes to have a good look.
After which, he says – ‘That’s great, Doctor – my skin is tight all over – no hanging folds at all – even my face is tighter and not chubby.
Then he notices something and leans forward to the mirror – for a closer look at his face – and says –‘But what’s this round thing in the middle of my forehead ?’
Doctor – ‘Oh yes – well actually –that’s your navel –
but- I wouldn’t worry about that – have a look at what you’ve got for a coller and tie!’
The End.
P. S.
Before any readers rush to browse for –
‘Canadian Weight loss consultants on Harley Street, London’.
I should make it clear that the story is a joke.
There are elements of truth in it – Idid have a fat friend called Billy, over many years – who, the last time we had contact,some years ago – was living in France and still getting fatter – and huge amounts of research funds continue to be poured into the search for the mythical –‘Slimming Pill’.
So- he did not find the miracle treatment – because it didn’t exist – and still doesn’t.